Its ok to not be ok

“Search me or God, know my heart, try me and know my thoughts” Psalm 139:23

Its ok to not be ok 

People just don't know what I'm about
They haven't seen what's there behind my smile
There's so much more of me I'm showing now
(These are the pieces of me)

When it looks like I'm up sometimes I'm down
I'm alone even with people all around
But that don't change the happiness I found
(Theses are the pieces of me)

So when you look at my face
You gotta know that I'm made
Of everything love and pain
These are the pieces of me

This excerpt is from the song "Pieces of Me" by R&B artist Ledisi. It resonates deeply with me as a caregiver. The lyrics reflect the challenges I face, especially as my mother, who is also my best friend, battles illness, affecting our bond. We used to take trips together, and my daughters and I shared a tight-knit routine of spending time together. Shopping, taking walks, going out, and family trips were common activities.  I mourn the loss of these moments. Seeing my friends and family participate in these activities with their mothers fills me with joy. I just want to shout out, cherish these moments because you are so blessed. 

I am currently embracing a phase of accepting not being okay and finding peace in it. Embracing our new reality has become a part of my journey. I find myself smiling through the pain as I learn to appreciate the little things. I am thankful to God for granting us this chance, even if our days are spent in a single room chatting and enjoying our favorite TV shows, sharing stories , or cradling our grandsons. We have created new experiences. 

Coping with the emotional toll of caregiving, especially when grieving the changes in your loved one abilities, is challenging. Here are some tips that might help:

1. Acknowledge Your Feelings

  • Allow Yourself to Grieve: It's normal to feel sadness, frustration, or even anger about your your loved one’s declining abilities. Acknowledging these emotions without guilt is an important part of the grieving process.
  • Talk About It: Express your feelings to a trusted friend, therapist, or support group. Sometimes, just verbalizing your grief can help lessen its weight.

Focus on What They Can Still Do

  • Find New Joys Together: Explore activities that they can still enjoy, even if they're different from what they used to do. Whether it’s listening to music, watching favorite shows, or enjoying nature, focusing on what is possible can help both of you adapt.
  • Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge even the smallest accomplishments or moments of connection. These can become new sources of joy.

3. Create New Routines

  • Adapt to the New Normal: Developing a new routine that accommodates their current abilities can bring structure and peace to both of your lives. This can provide a sense of stability during a time of change.
  • Engage in Shared Activities: You might cook together in ways that are simpler, or have regular chats about memories and past experiences. These activities can strengthen your bond in new ways.

4. Self-Care is Key

  • Take Breaks: Schedule regular breaks for yourself, even if they're brief. Caregiving is demanding, and taking time to recharge will help you continue to care for her.
  • Engage in Your Own Hobbies: Continue doing things that bring you joy outside of caregiving. It’s important to maintain your own sense of identity.

5. Seek Support

  • Join a Caregiver Support Group: Being part of a community that understands your struggles can provide emotional support and practical advice.
  • Ask for Help: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, family, or professional caregivers when you need assistance. You don’t have to do it all alone.


6. Honor the Past, Embrace the Present

  • Cherish Memories: Create a memory book or journal that celebrates the things your mom loved to do. This can help you honor the past while embracing the present.
  • Practice Mindfulness: Staying present can help you focus on the time you have together, rather than what has been lost.

7. Consider Professional Help

  • Therapy or Counseling: A therapist, especially one experienced in grief or caregiving, can offer coping strategies and a safe space to express your feelings.
  • Respite Care: Professional respite care can give you time to rest and focus on your emotional well-being.

This journey is hard. It’s okay to grieve, and it’s okay to seek joy in the midst of it.


Source: The coping tips provided come from a combination of well-established caregiving principles, general psychological guidance on grief, and personal self-care strategies often recommended by experts in the fields of caregiving, mental health, and grief counseling. In addition, organizations like the Family Caregiver Alliance and other caregiver support networks.  Self-Care - Reflects the universally advised practice of self-care for caregivers, emphasized in resources from the AARP Caregiving Resource Center and the Mayo Clinic’s advice for caregivers.

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I introduced mom to crochet, ..new experience . See pic 


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